Monday, October 3, 2011


Making friends is hard. And it's gotten harder as I've gotten older. I don't think it's just me. But maybe it is. Every once in a while I forget how hard it is. And then, as happened recently, the majority of my people up and leave and go somewhere grander to live lives that are more rad than the ones they were living before. And so I try a little bit to make friends again.

I am more capable of seeing myself through the eyes of those around me than I used to be and so before I'm able to actually charm, amuse or ingratiate somebody into thinking of me as a prospective friend, something happens. I get in my own way. I am so utterly aware of annoying or not fitting in with those around me, that I shut down. I transition to my go-to quiet persona, with hard eyes, a cold exterior. Which, unfortunately, in the last 5-6 years has come to be the way I look and act most of the time. Even if it isn't how I feel.

And then the problem escalates. I look angered, mean, judging (I have chronic bitchface, you know) and so possible friends come to think I am hard to get along with, attacking. At lunch, I lift the shut-own briefly to join a discussion of the soup. A harmlessly directed explanation of the word "chowder" to my lunch companions reads to them as a dressing down, and I can all but see the wall go up between us.

rainy day toe self-portrait

So this is to state for the record. I am not actually a cold human being. My heart and head are full of warmth and love and dreams and excitement - about people and about art. About philosophy and about media. About the human condition (IknowIknow) So, I probably don't think I'm cooler or funnier or smarter than you (I mean I might, but if I want to be your friend I likely think you have me at least tied on one or more of those fronts.). So if I seem cold and reserved, quiet and angry, I am probably feeling insecure, isolated. I probably fear what will come out of my mouth when I open it (feelings, passion, the truth about my boring little life). So I keep it shut.

But that doesn't mean I don't want or need people around me. So I'm going to keep working on the bitchface and on letting in a little warmth. And hopefully it will work out.

This post has been brought to you by my livejournal from 2001*.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

new gig art

I just ordered this gig poster from Etsy seller wnybac.

I am excited to hang it over my brand new (via craigslist) desk and to listen to cool music while looking at my cool poster and editing my photos.

Love the CMYK styling.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Can I have this on a t-shirt, please?

From artist, Kris Atomic :
Just doing my bit to spread awareness for this common, but little understood condition. Thousands around the world are affected by chronic bitchface, with sufferers having to endure being told to “SMILE” and “cheer up” by well meaning, but irritating strangers. There is no known cure.

This is my life.
via Design Crush

Sunday, June 12, 2011

i like june a lot.

I am going to go ahead and call this song what it is, a personal birthday gift from Colin Meloy, (the only present I need in 2011) and be done with it.